


Is It Really Okay?

by lacrimalis



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comfort No Hurt, Family Fluff, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 21:20:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11654973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacrimalis/pseuds/lacrimalis
Summary: Steven’s joy at the thought of seeing her makes a warmth unfurl in her chest and spread all the way to her toes and fingertips. She wonders now why it was even a question. Steven is so kind and sweet, an inimitable force of good in her life -- of course she wants to see him."Hi, Steven."





	Is It Really Okay?

**Author's Note:**

> A reimagining of Lapis’s story following her separation from Jasper and Malachite.
> 
> Takes place after Gem Drill and diverges from there.

Lapis awakens inside a wooden structure at night.

After a moment's consideration, she recognizes it as Steven’s home. She hasn’t seen it since she was cracked and consigned to the mirror, so it’s surreal to be there now, in her hard-light form, whole and solid and all-over aching but overall unharmed.

She sits up on the couch she was laying on, displacing a blanket as she groans at the way her head spins.

The sound of confident, deliberately unsilent footsteps reaches her distantly, so that she is not completely taken by surprise when a voice speaks to her.

“Welcome back, Lapis.”

Lapis looks up to see the fusion sitting at the end of the couch. Lapis draws her feet up reflexively.

The fusion -- Garnet, she remembers -- laughs gently. Lapis squints in search of a sign of cruelty behind the sound, but fails to find one. “It’s all right,” Garnet says. “No one here means to harm you.”

Lapis looks around the room. With the fusion sitting where she is, Lapis has a clear route of egress to the front door. Just a mad dash and a flap of her wings, and she would be outside. The sound of the ocean is close enough to hear.

“No one’s stopping you from leaving, either,” Garnet says pointedly, holding up her hands to prove she doesn’t have a weapon. The gesture rings hollow, knowing that’s where her weapon _comes_ from; nevertheless, Lapis flushes at displaying her intent so obviously by staring at the door. She has to be more careful than that.

Lapis sits up straighter, puffing her chest out and giving Garnet her wildest glare. "You couldn't stop me if you tried," she challenges. Even though the ocean is not close at hand, she can still reach out to it with her mind -- and closer still than the tide lapping at the beach, the plumbing in Steven's home has access to water, too.

She is not defenseless. She is not without weapons.

The pipes in the house ring and rattle as Lapis draws the water toward her, preparing to retaliate if Garnet makes a move.

Garnet's head tilts toward the sound. She must know what Lapis is doing -- Lapis will only have a second to react, if Garnet tries to destroy her physical form before she can summon enough water to protect herself.

Then with deliberate slowness, Garnet leans back into the couch and crosses her arms.

And she says, "You're right."

The rattling stops.

Garnet's lips curve into a smile. Lapis stares at the Crystal Gem in disbelief. "I just _threatened_ you. Aren't you going to defend yourself?"

"You don't want to hurt me," Garnet says as she crosses one leg over the other. "You just don't want me to trap you here." Her body language is so _casual_ and  _unconcerned_ , and Lapis would almost be offended at the disregard if Garnet hadn't already acknowledged the threat she poses.

Just what on Earth is the fusion thinking...? 

"Leave if you want. I won't stop you. You do know where the front door is, after all." This Garnet says teasingly, and Lapis blushes, recognizing it as a jab at her indiscreet attempt to find an escape route. "If you're going to go, though, it'd be a shame not to at least tell Steven goodbye. He was really worried about you."

Lapis’s gut sinks with guilt. _Steven_. He was the only person in thousands of years to acknowledge her. He treated her like a person. He freed her from the mirror. He healed her gem, which had allowed her to return home -- and Homeworld may have been a disappointment, but that was far from Steven’s fault. Even the risk of releasing her to Homeworld didn’t deter him from healing her and letting her fly home.

Though with how little he knew about the Crystal Gems when they first met, it’s possible Steven didn’t realize the risk Lapis posed in making contact with Homeworld.

If Homeworld did come back to start another war, the fault lay squarely on Lapis’s shoulders for leading them back to Earth.

Lapis buries her face in her hands. “I’ve made such a mess...”

“Maybe. But what’s in the past can’t be changed. All we can do is take action in the present in the hopes of changing our future.”

Lapis lowers her hands. “And what can you see in my future?” she asks. Lapis asks because she knows there is a Sapphire in there somewhere, and because she’s curious. Visions of the future were reserved for important courses of action that would be be undertaken by important Gems, ones who far outranked Lapis. She had never had the opportunity or inclination to seek out a Sapphire’s guidance, but she had never known a future without Homeworld’s structure and routine.

Her life had been a simple one: bask in relative luxury until she was needed to terraform a new colony; terraform it, then return to bask in relative luxury. Now she has neither her Diamond's esteem nor a colony to terraform.

Without a purpose, Lapis has never felt so lost.

Garnet hums, placing her chin in one hand and her elbow in the other. “Hard to say. I expect you'll do whatever you want, so at this point your future depends on you.”

Lapis scoffs. "What kind of answer is that?"

Garnet shrugs. "I see possibilities based on the information available to me. But I barely know anything about you -- except that you have the means to accomplish whatever you set your mind to. No hope of anyone stopping you, either."

It sounds foreboding when Garnet says it like that -- as if Lapis is going to do something dangerous or self-destructive. Lapis folds her knees and wraps her arms around them. "What, you're not gonna tell me that with the power of Crystal Gem propaganda, I can be my own person?"

Garnet laughs. "I didn't think you'd appreciate that."

"You thought right," Lapis grumbles.

They are silent for a long time. The sound of the waves outside reaches Lapis and fills her with unease, until she feels the need to fill the silence to take her attention away from it. "So now what?" Lapis asks.

"Steven asked us to take turns watching you so you wouldn't be confused when you awoke," Garnet explains. "Do you remember what happened?"

Lapis's head pounds with the effort of recalling her brutal defeat at the hands of Alexandrite. "It would be hard to forget," Lapis says. "What..." She hesitates. Does she really want to know? Will knowing quell her anxiety, or will it plague her thoughts like a waking nightmare? She has to ask, Lapis decides. "What happened to Jasper?"

Garnet covers her mouth, and her reaction strikes Lapis to the core. For some reason she's terrified that Garnet will tell her Jasper was shattered. Lapis can't help but marvel at the intensity of her own concern and distress, but they were fused for so long... They were  _Malachite_ for so long... The thought of Jasper shattering makes Lapis feel like it would mean half of _her_ had shattered, too.

"We think she got away," Garnet says. "There was too much going on at once, and when we looked for her afterward, there was no sign of her."

Lapis tries not to let her relief show on her face.

Garnet hesitates. "I... can speak from firsthand experience as someone who's been fused for a long time. So, if you want to talk about it..." Lapis curls in on herself even further, and Garnet shakes her head and waves her hands as if attempting to dispel Lapis's anxiety. "It doesn't have to be now -- or ever. Just know that if you need someone to talk to about it, I'm here."

Lapis hums noncommittally. "Are you... going to hunt her down?" she asks.

Garnet sighs and crosses her arms. "Steven wants to leave it be for now. There are no ships or communications hubs left on Earth for Jasper to get back in touch with Homeworld, so she's not a threat until she actually does something.  It's likely she'll come to us, and since that's the case, there's no point running ourselves ragged searching for her." Garnet shrugs. "Ran ourselves ragged looking when you were Malachite, because Steven was worried and wanted to help you -- but in the end we just tired ourselves out. That's why he wants to wait it out this time."

Lapis's brow furrows. "You keep saying what Steven wants like _you_ want to do something else. Aren't you the leader?"

Garnet grins. "If anyone's the leader around here, it's Steven."

Lapis remembers it wasn’t like that before. She remembers Steven having to _run_ from the other Crystal Gems when they realized Lapis was alive in the mirror -- and even before that, Lapis had heard the way Pearl spoke of Steven -- always fretting over how to keep him safe, how best to instruct him, to tell him what to do or to scold him -- it _is_ possible things have changed, but Lapis has no way of knowing.

Not unless she asks Steven.

“Where... _is_ Steven?”

“He’s asleep,” Garnet says, and it only now occurs to Lapis that that must be the reason Garnet has been keeping her voice down. “I can wake him up, if you want. I’m sure he won’t mind...”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Lapis declines, even as she wants to accept. “I don’t want to interrupt his rest... _I_ should rest...”

Garnet smiles mysteriously. “I’ll be right back.”

Garnet stands to her full height, and Lapis can’t help shrinking back into the couch. The fusion walks around the table beside the couch until she is between Lapis and the door -- then she continues past it to climb the set of stairs beside it.

For a moment, Lapis is alone.

The door is shaking gently in a late night breeze.

Nothing is stopping her from reaching it.

Lapis rises to her feet, despite the disorientation it causes, feeling detached from the moment.

Then she hears Steven’s voice, and her mind snaps back into the moment with such clarity as she hasn’t known in months.

“Garnet?” Steven murmurs. “What’s wrong? Is Lapis okay...?”

Hearing that Steven’s first thought upon waking is for her well-being makes tension coil in Lapis’s chest. She’s unsure if it is guilt or tenderness or something else, but it urges her to press away from the smooth wooden grain with her toes and alight upon the stairs that Garnet had taken with a flutter of her wings. The stairs creak like door hinges as she climbs them with haste.

Too soon, Lapis stands at the top of the stairs to the loft that serves as Steven’s sleeping area.

Garnet is sitting on the opposite side of the bed, stroking Steven’s hair as he rouses from sleep. “She was worried about you, too,” Garnet is saying when Lapis comes back to herself long enough to process spoken word. In the fusion’s mirrored visor, Lapis sees herself looking harried and cast adrift. She feels self-conscious and unworthy of Steven’s concern, and she looks away from her reflection.

As if hearing her thoughts, Garnet passes a hand in front of her face and the visor vanishes. The smile she offers, then, is more kind than mysterious, with the benefit of her eyes to help Lapis understand her expression (despite the strangeness of the third eye -- but Lapis has personally experienced having even more than three, now, so she supposes she’s in no position to judge).

“Do you want to speak to her?” Garnet asks, though she holds Lapis’s gaze. The question is directed at Steven, but it’s somehow clear that she is asking Lapis’s permission, too.

“Yeah...!” Steven says, enthusiasm endearingly muted by his tiredness as he rubs his eyes.

Lapis nods in response to Garnet’s searching gaze. Steven’s joy at the thought of seeing her makes a warmth unfurl in her chest and spread all the way to her toes and fingertips. She wonders now why it was even a question. Steven is so kind and sweet, an inimitable force of good in her life -- of _course_ she wants to see him.

She approaches the edge of the bed as Steven is still rubbing his eyes. “Hi, Steven.”

Steven looks up. His eyes are ringed with red, and Lapis thinks he looks exhausted. What had he been doing for the past few days? Had he been there when she had fought the Crystal Gems? She can’t seem to remember, and it pains her to think that Steven is her best and closest friend, yet she may have placed him in danger without even realizing it.

“Lapis!” Steven cheers, voice cracking. He raises his arms toward her. The thought of touching anyone but Steven right now is abhorrent to Lapis, yet it is all too easy to kneel on the bed beside him and accept the offered hug.

“Steven,” Lapis responds, and she is surprised to find it is only with extraordinary difficulty that her voice does not break with the weight of her emotion as she speaks his name. Most Gems tend to keep their own temperature, or else they mimic the temperature of the air around them. Lapis runs cool -- so even the warmth Steven offers is a comfort. It helps remind her that he’s there, even as she closes her eyes to relax into his touch.

It is difficult for Lapis to extricate herself from Steven’s grasp -- not because he is restricting her movement, but because she is reluctant to relinquish the only comfort she has felt since last she saw him. Eventually, though, she pulls away. “Steven,” she begins, “Garnet says you... want to help me.”

“Yeah! Of course, Lapis,” Steven says, seizing Lapis’s hands in both of his own. “Anything you need.”

“Well...” Lapis hesitates, glancing over at Garnet. “Last time you helped me, your friends tried to stop you, didn’t they? How can I...” Lapis bites her lip, but forges onward. “How can I be sure that won't happen again?”

Steven’s brow furrows, and he looks downcast. “Yeah... I didn’t know anything about Gem history back then, and they didn’t know you were... still in there, I guess? But once they did, I think they thought you were a Homeworld Gem, and that you would hurt me.”

Lapis almost laughs ruefully at that. Homeworld mistook her for a Crystal Gem, while the Crystal Gems mistook her for a Homeworld Gem. Was it so obvious to everyone around her that her loyalties laid firmly with herself?

“That was one possibility we were concerned about,” Garnet admits.

Steven continues. “They were concerned about my safety, but I’m sorry they chased us and scared you off.” Steven looks at Garnet, and Lapis is surprised at the steel in his gaze. “That isn’t going to happen again, though.”

Garnet nods dutifully, and it boggles Lapis’s mind. She doesn’t think the same fart joke-making Steven of an Earth year ago could fake the severity of the exchange, either.

Just as quickly as it came, the intensity in his gaze leaves to return to Lapis filled with tenderness. “I know you’ve been through a lot, and I want to help you if you’ll let me. So you don’t have to stay, or even stay for long... But I’d be really happy if you did.”

Lapis owes Steven more than she can ever repay. Just staying is such a simple request... Surely it wouldn’t be too hard to fulfill? “It’s not like I have anywhere else to go,” she says under her breath.

Steven’s eyes widen in sympathy. “Oh! Homeworld was really different when you went back, right?” At Lapis’s nod, Steven’s expression becomes thoughtful. “Well... until we find you a new home, maybe we can share one! This can be your halfway-home!”

Lapis laughs gently. Her cheeks ache as if she has been smiling for days. It’s remarkable that Steven can make her smile with such ease when she's been feeling so morose. Steven is... incredible, Lapis realizes. She thanks her lucky stars that she had the good fortune to come across such a strange and wonderful person.

“We’ll see,” Lapis promises. She inches toward the edge of the bed. “I should let you get back to sleep.”

“Aw,” Steven sighs, “you’re probably right. We could both use some rest... Oh!” Steven grins and bounces on the bed. “I have an idea! Why don’t you stay here?"

Lapis is about to assure Steven that she already intended to stay at his home, until she realizes he means his bed. Lapis glances at Garnet and sees her own misgivings mirrored in the fusion’s expression.

But she can’t deny that the thought of being near Steven is comforting. Before now, she had been unconscious from the stress Malachite’s exertions had placed on her body. It will be difficult to let her guard down, now that she knows she’s in the Crystal Gems’ base of operations. “Is it really okay...?” Lapis ventures.

“Yeah! Come on,” Steven invites her, patting the bed beside him.

Lapis inches back to where she had been, and when Steven tugs on the comforter she shifts her weight off it obligingly so he can pull it out from under her. Then he drapes it over the both of them. “There! Isn’t it warm and cozy?”

Lapis smiles tentatively. “Yeah... It’s nice.” Steven yawns and wiggles like he’s trying to burrow into the mattress, and Lapis can’t help but laugh. “Good night, Lapis. Good night, Garnet.”

Lapis had not forgotten about the fusion. She sits up in the bed and faces Garnet as a pensive expression furrows all three of her brows. Eventually, Garnet settles on a knowing smile as her visor flashes back into existence. Lapis’s reflection surprises her, because a ghost of a hopeful smile still lingers on her lips. She looks completely different. And it’s thanks to Steven.

“Sleep tight, you two,” is all Garnet says, and she stands and makes her way back down the stairs without even a doubtful glance over her shoulder. The fusion walks to the innermost wall of the house and activates the doorway there with her gems. Then she vanishes into its light, the portal closes, and she is gone.

The house is silent and still. Outside, the ocean waves fill Lapis with longing and foreboding in equal measure. She takes a deep breath. Is it really okay for her to be surrounded by creature comforts despite everything she's done? Despite Jasper being lost out there somewhere, alone and cold and miserable?

“Lapis?”

Lapis gasps and jolts, only to look down and see Steven smiling up at her apologetically.

“Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s okay,” Lapis sighs, pressing a hand to her chest to ground herself in the moment. “I know you didn’t mean to, Steven.”

Steven just keeps smiling at her, and Lapis caves into a smile and a laugh of her own. “What?” she wants to know.

“I’m just really glad you’re here,” Steven admits. “I don’t wanna go to sleep ‘cause I’m scared you might be gone when I wake up, or it’ll turn out you being here was all a dream or something.”

“I know how you feel,” Lapis says. Good things like Steven don’t happen to Gems like Lapis. It’s hard to believe any of it is real. Conversely, her experiences as Malachite had been so sharp and clear that the reality of them had felt undeniable. Inescapable. For all the pain she felt when her heart was chained to Jasper's, at least she had never doubted it was real.

“Why don’t you lay down?” Steven suggests. Lapis does so, seeing no reason not to. Steven waits until she’s made herself comfortable to offer his hand. It is warm when Lapis places her palm in his. “Now we both know the other one is here, even while we’re asleep!”

Lapis smiles. “Perfect,” she says.

Steven laughs, pleased with himself. “I know, right? Okay -- I’m really getting tired.” Steven yawns. “I’ll see you in the morning, Lapis.”

“See you then,” Lapis says softly.

She almost doesn’t want to close her eyes, in case Steven truly does vanish when she opens them, but the comforting warmth of his hand makes his presence an irrefutable truth, even to her paranoid mind. Warmth and softness has been an absent thing for Lapis for the past year. From the lonely void of space to Homeworld’s sleek new architecture and its impartial technology; from the holding cells there to the ones on Peridot’s ship, to the crushing cold of the ocean and her self-imposed fusion: Lapis can barely remember a time when she felt so safe or warm or secure.

Lapis soon falls asleep, and sleeps soundly thereafter.

**Author's Note:**

> This is envisioned as part of a series, but we all know how that goes! I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
